The Implications of Going Gray
May 10, 2019
By: Jody Moss
Email: mossjm1@dshs.wa.gov
I have added color to my hair since I was in my 20s. Mostly red and gold to my brown. In my 50s I added purple. Yes, purple. Way before color was all the rage. And just because.
So now, in my 60s I have brown, red, gold, ash, purple and grey. Last year I tried a rendition of “oil slick hair” – google it, it’s gorgeous.
And last month I decided it is time to go gray. Well, gray and purple…just because.
But here is the thing. Once I decided I began immediately to second guess myself.
What will I look like with gray hair? Will I look “old”?
Will people start looking past me as “one more old person?”
Wait…WHAT!!! I work in the Aging Network and here I am having the ageism conversation in my own head. This is just wrong. But, yeah, we are having this discussion. And by we, I mean I.
Wikipedia says that ageism is “stereotyping and discrimination against individuals or groups on the basis of their age. This may be casual or systematic. The term was coined in 1969 by Robert Neil Butler to describe discrimination against seniors, and patterned on sexism and racism. Butler defined “ageism” as a combination of three connected elements. Among them were prejudicial attitudes towards older people, old age, and the aging process; discriminatory practices against older people; and institutional practices and policies that perpetuate stereotypes about elderly people.”
“While the term is also used in regards to prejudice and discrimination against adolescents and children, such as denying them certain rights (e.g. voting), ignoring their ideas because they are considered “too young”, or assuming that they should behave in certain ways because of their age,[ the term is predominantly used in relation to the treatment of older people. Older people themselves can be deeply ageist, having internalized a lifetime of negative stereotypes about aging. Fear of death and fear of disability and dependence are major causes of ageism; avoiding, segregating, and rejecting older people are coping mechanisms that allow people to avoid thinking about their own mortality.”
For this article, I looked at a few images and had some really visceral responses. The first one related to our working environment and pictured a row of applicants waiting to be interviewed all young holding briefcases on their laps, except for a smaller, white haired woman wearing pearls and also holding the same briefcase. And all the young people are giving her are looking askance at her. I am reminded of the many, many older adults and seniors trying to get jobs or retain jobs in this shifting economy. One of the articles I found associated with this photo was titled, “Ageism Is Hurting Your Tech Company’s Hiring More Than You Realize.” This tech topic brings even more to mind. “She is too old to know tech.” Plus “she is an old she, older women really can’t possibly know tech.” You may not be thinking that but I would lay money down that most people under the age of 50 are.
One of my favorite 91 year old friends was on the ground floor in Silicon Valley before it was Silicon Valley. Granted, she was the only woman there at the time but still…
When I was applying for jobs, my children told me I needed to get a Gmail (email) address for my applications, because anything else would make me look old school. I stayed old school. But it pointed out to me that there are those making decisions about me all the time, based on not just my skills, and experience, but on things I may not even be aware of.
Like my purple hair. Oh well, too bad. But actually I get the cool, old lady vibe from the hair.
But thankfully, Olympic Area Agency on Aging hired me with purple hair, with all the other colors and the gray roots, and felt like they got a deal (which I might add they did!).
I really love my job, working to advocate and plan for seniors and adults with disabilities aging in place. So why exactly am I worried about going gray?
Well, like Wikipedia says, I have had that lifetime of internalizing this training to look at old people as “old, washed up, overlooked, past their prime.”
I think it is also one of those personal things – I love the multiple colors of hair, the creativity of it, the sparkle of the different colors in my curls, the fun in having purple hair (which I am keeping FOREVER!). Okay so yes, I am also a little vain.
In another image, there were 4 teens from high school or college, carrying books, surrounding a woman a third of their size, looking down at her, as she was looking up. They are all smiling at one another, so it is not necessarily a negative image.
But maybe the sense is feeling small, feeling like they all think you are so “cute?” My kids have started with that one. And I have talked a few times with them about this annoying (yet somehow endearing) behavior. Fortunately I know that they know that I am accomplished and they are proud and look up to me as a role model.
It is a fact that as a culture, we tend to overlook our elders, and begin at a certain age to think of them as over the hill. Even elders tend to think of older people as…well just not thinking about them, well that “them” would be us.
So here is what I think needs to happen. And let’s put it in a “To Do” list format so we can see it a goals to accomplish.
- Develop great age diversity in all things and encourage participation/engagement in meaning full conversations together so that we learn more about one another’s’ lives, experiences, hopes, fears, values. Pull together some brown bag lunches for this purpose. This can happen at work, at a faith community setting, in a public forum, etc.
- Develop a healthy respect for all people, all ages, all colors, all beliefs. Hopefully this is one you can easily put a check next to.
- Talk with rather than to or over one another about the differences that different ages bring. Make lists of pros and cons in your mixed age groups.
- Call people out, even yourself on ageism behavior.
- Identify how you want to be treated as an older person and demand that.
- Remember the best part of aging. The wisdom you have gained mixed with the humility of your growing physical challenges, and your perseverance because you know that slowly we can accomplish a lot.
- And have fun and be yourself…Purple hair and all that gray too!