How you offer help affects how it’s accepted
April 3, 2019
By: Mark Harvey
Email: harvemb@dshs.wa.gov
Sometimes, for reasons known only to the Keeper of Reasons, I seem to get the same question (more or less) from multiple people in multiple places, so when that happens I’m inclined to think that I should probably respond.
The topic that has come up this time around is:
HOW CAN I GET MOM TO ACCEPT HELP?
Now, it isn’t always phrased quite that way, and it could relate to anyone (Dad, Uncle Albert, Auntie Gin, whomever), but I’m just going to talk about “Mom,” because I like her!
And the story always differs, as one would expect and hope, but it usually comes down to this: “I love my Mom and she isn’t doing well. She needs help at home, and I can’t be there to do it myself, but she flatly refuses any help! How can I get her to accept the help she so obviously needs??”
Well, you can’t; but that doesn’t mean that everything is hopeless. Stay with me.
Let’s begin by trying a little exercise. Close your eyes and imagine that you’re doing something that you’ve been doing for a million years (laundry, washing the car, vacuuming, sweeping the deck – Whatever); then, somebody who is half your age (or less!) walks in out of nowhere and says, “You look like you need some help!”
What goes off in your mind?
- “Why? What makes you think so?”
- “What business is it of yours?”
- “Who-the-**** asked you and who do you think you are?”
- “No! I’m FINE, thank-you-very-much!”
…and then you start doing whatever you were doing, FASTER!
Why? Well, maybe it’s because you were just made to feel “less than:” Less than capable, less than competent, less than you used to be, less than the person who thinks you need help…Less than.
(I presume that you’ve opened your eyes by now – It’ll make reading a LOT easier)
Now, what if you’ve spent a lot of your life raising/nurturing/taking care of this helpful person, who thinks you need help? (“YOU are going to ‘help’ ME??”) OR, you’ve at least had a hand in that upbringing, known this person most/all of their life, and were making your way in the world when she/he was trying to eat chair legs:
“YOU are going to ‘help’ ME?”
How do you feel, besides angry? Right: Less than.
Now, there could be (and probably are) other things going on here, like: “If I need help, then I must be old, which means I’m close to dying, which is NOT something I want to be forced to think about!” Or, “I don’t want you to have to help me because I want you to be able to have your own life.” Or, “I can’t afford ‘help,’ unless YOU are offering to do it, for free…” And/or, “…besides, you wouldn’t do ‘it’ right, anyway.”
Or, or, or.
AND, I don’t want to be dependent.
I don’t want to be less than. Who would?
I know: This is exhausting, isn’t it? Give yourself a minute.
Better? I get it – Me, too.
Ok, let’s re-read the question: “You look like you need some help!”
Now, consider this: “Hey, you want a hand with that?”
Feels different, doesn’t it? The first is “less than” – The second is a friendly/neighborly, caring offer, that could be accepted or deflected, depending – But everybody walks away OK, regardless of the outcome.
And life goes on.
I thought I could do this whole thing in one column; of course, I also think that I can clean up all the leaves in one day, until I try it (Maybe I NEED help?), so we’ll pick this up next week.
For now, just remember this: Where there’s dignity, there’s hope.
Be hopeful.