A dose of prevention is important should a mate die
July 16, 2016
By: Mark Harvey
Email: harvemb@dshs.wa.gov
Welcome to the middle of July!
In answer to the most frequently asked question, Yes! The Presidential campaign will end before the end of year – And, Yes! The next Presidential campaign will begin the day after the election.
And so we mark the milestones of our lives…
Now, where were we before we were here? Oh, right: We were looking at a couple of scenarios about how many couples go about getting ready to leave the planet. In the first one, one person is on top of “it,” so it was, basically, a checklist to make sure the bases were covered and for the one not-on-top to have some idea of where to start looking or, in many cases, what they were looking for.
The second scenario was about what to do when neither of the two were on top of much of anything and then one has the shortsighted audacity to leave the planet – Ugly, annoying, time-consuming and frustrating! – But, doable with a small “d.”
So, here’s the third (and final) scenario: Unadulterated hostility. Listen:
“Mr.” has had control of the finances for many years and is now suffering from progressive dementia – Because that’s pretty much the only kind there is. No kids in this marriage, but Mr. has a daughter from a previous marriage that he dotes on, trusts and shares a multitude of “confidences” with.
Mr. always assures “Mrs.” that “…everything is taken care of and you’ll get everything that you’re entitled to, if I die…,” but details are never forthcoming – And Mrs. doesn’t ask. Mrs. and daughter-from-previous-marriage (“Daughter”) aren’t exactly close, but routinely approximate “civil.”
Mr. dies. Daughter comes to visit to “help out,” and in the course of “helping,” scoops up all of Mr.’s “important papers,” pointing out that the will that Mrs. has never seen appoints her (Daughter) as executrix anyway, so hang tough and “…I’ll figure it all out.” Mrs., out of grief, shock, naiveté’ and a blinding faith in human nature, goes along with it.
Guess what? Daughter has all of good-old-Dad’s info, passwords, etc, to the joint bank account and is relieving same of substantial amounts of money on a substantially regular basis. By the time that Mrs. “comes to” and can’t see the kitchen table for the medical, hospital and funeral bills and goes to the bank, guess what again? Not much money there, and guess what else we find under the rock? Mr. has put all of the assets – Bank accounts, household valuables, other assets and even the deed to the house! – In both his and Daughter’s names, Joint Tenancy with Right of Survivorship. Mrs. is penniless, pauperized and still can’t see the top of the kitchen table. I’m not making this up – I don’t have to.
How could this have been avoided? I think that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? “Trust” is a wonderful thing; knowledge and experience usually underscore trust, right? So…Trust! – Then, verify.
But, what does Mrs. do now? As much as she probably wants to, she cannot and should NOT “cave in!” She needs to get into gear right now, because there are probably statutes of limitations that could limit her options and her legal rights. If there are any important papers (or any papers at all) left, do NOT throw anything, give anything or send anything AWAY!
…and get yourself, Mrs., to an Elder law attorney right now! I know what you’re thinking: “Wait a minute! She’s broke, remember?” Yeah, I do, so one way to come at it is to call any of the numbers at the end of this column and ask about legal assistance – She might have some choices that she doesn’t know she has.
These kinds of stories almost never end happily, but they can end better (meaning, less miserable) than you might expect if you (she – Mrs.) initiate action QUICKLY!
..and Yes: The better answer would have been to prevent the whole thing: See the papers, understand the “arrangements,” pay attention, ask pointed questions and don’t settle for maudlin reassurances, and don’t let any paper off the premises until you’re darned sure you know what they are, what they say and have copies of same.
Look, this is America: It’s (a) all about “the law,” (b) money counts, (c) no one will take care of you as well as you will and (d) gender is no guarantee – Mrs. can pull this off just as well (and just as invisibly) as Mr.
Where does this end? Well, since this is my column, I choose to have it end here: Love abounds and love, usually, prevails. The vast majority of us are good, honest, decent people who are doing the best we can. “Business” doesn’t come naturally to all of us, but all of this is, often, not really about “business” – It’s about love.
And, sometimes, love is about taking care of business on a messy planet, even if we don’t want to; because, sometimes, legacy is another word for love.
Mark Harvey is the director of Information and Assistance for Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He can be reached at harvemb@dshs.wa.gov or 532-0520 in Aberdeen, (360) 942-2177 in Raymond or (360) 642-3634. FACEBOOK: Olympic Area Agency on Aging-Information & Assistance.